Old rambles from previous blogs....

Saturday, August 16, 2008
continue running with scissors, or just run scared?
Current mood: confused
So many questions, and I feel like I cannot control anything going on in my mind. All I can see is negative right now - is that really all there is? Or am I just scared and looking for the fall.

The snide smart ass comments that put me in my place, or more or less - put me down. I feel like never talking. The things I say are not said right, or just not worth even being spoken - yet his jabber box can go on and on. Everything he has to say is top priority, yet he'll interupt in the middle of something I'm telling him because it's "not important, or of no interest to him"

The little times that just keep adding up that he just doesn't think about me. It's as though I slip his mind the moment I'm out of sight. Yet, as soon as we're back together it's "what did you get for me?" but he can't even think to leave the fucking garage door open for me when it's dark, I don't have the garage door opener, and he knows I'm RIGHT behind him.

How important it is for him to continue to talk to other girsl....mostly the ones he used to date, and lie and hide it. I can't even see (heave forbid MENTION) a great friend who is finally back from Iraq, yet he's talking to ex flings all the time.

All the flirting, and I don't even know where it stops, it kind of goes along to my worries of the exes. He can't pass a girl anymore without his head turning. How can you claim to be committed to someone with everything, yet that attention can be caught by someone in the blink of an eye? I don't get it.

I can't decide if I should stick this out, or just walk away while I can't lose anything. I've lost so much, been drug to rock bottom, I don't want to deal with it all anymore. I don't want to be made the fool because I'm dumb enough to believe yet another man's lies, and allow my heart to be torn apart. There's so much happiness, and times when I just feel surrounded by love, but then something better walks by, and there goes his attention. How do you past that? I swore I would not let another man control my life and cause me pain....


Thursday, August 14, 2008
I guess I don’t get it.....
I don't know what to think...I don't know if it's just me - because there's something wrong with my head....I can't recover, can't get past...the past. How do you recover from being cheated on - right in front of your face? How do you ever trust again? How do you fight through 4, almost 5 years, the purchase of a house, many trips, two engagement rings along with two wedding dates...then have his girlfriend thrown in your face? I feel like my heart cannot get past it. Not because I want him EVER AGAIN, but it's ruined me, broke me, I can't grow past it.

Now I have something great, someone amazing. A best friend, a love, his kisses are everything, and his arms take everything away...but then there's the lies....the secrets. I can't take it, I can't get past it. Would he cheat? I don't know...would he ever do anything that would hurt me? I don't know. The doubt tears me apart and makes me want to run. I will not be played like a fool again. The fear of being hurt bring upon anger - and the anger makes me just want to say "Fuck it all - and FUCK YOU!" I don't need this. I'm better than this - I need no one....

How do you get over it? Get past the fear, the anger, the pain. I think my friends may have it right - don't bother letting anyone close - everything is temporary, but I can't help but want something permament. Is there such a thing? Is there really such a thing as forever? I don't know if I can believe in that....My heart feels like it's being pulled in so many directions, and my mind just keeps telling me to GET OUT! This isn't right....you're just setting yourself up....you're not enough. Always in the back of my head - I hear I'm not enough. When will that end? Is my self doubt causing me to go so crazy that I'm ruining everything? Where does it start - how does it end?? I hate all the guessing! Is he talking to her all the time - or as rarely as he says? How can he NOT realize it's a problem when she always has to ask "so, do you still have a girlfriend?" Why is it okay to hide things?

And as for the "I'll do what I want!" I've heard those words before....at 4:30 in the morning when my ex fiance came home shit faced drunk - after driving my car - and banging what it now his girlfriend.... Those words will not sit well with me, and once said - it's fair game. I'm not even supposed to drink, I haven't been going out, I've done nothing but put all my energy and focus into this relationship....and I'm not even told the truth - the worst part of a lie...is knowing you're not good enough for the truth.....

My mind is in a whirlwind....and I want it all to stop....


Tuesday, April 08, 2008
How long can this last?
Current mood: nervous
Category: Life
I spent so much time praying to angels

as I wated away in a bed of tears.

I forgot happiness, grew deatheningly weak

as I let myself be overcome by fear.

I was standing at the cliffside-ready to jump

as I heard a voice and felt a welcoming hand.

As you pulled me into your arms

all the pain washed away like sand.

You say all the things I wished to hear

and share a love I had been begging for.

You’ve managed to catch my heart

break it open - and let the emotions pour.

I’m filled with excitement to wake another day

knowing I’m waking next to you.

I try to understand why this is all happening

you just seem too good to be true.

Have I possibly been dreaming of an untouchable fairy tale?

I just can’t believe this is real.

You are my perfect

and the love in my heart is not something anyone can steal.

I didn’t know my giggle still existed

and I forgot what a real smile could be.

I feel absolutely beautiful

as you set my inner child free.

The prid ein your eyes

convinces me that even in jeans a beanie - I am the one.

For the first time I feel unstoppable-

even when we’re just out being silly, and trying to have fun.

I have forgotten how it feels to cry

and the pain of a lonely heart.

I feel resotred and alive

I thought this heart would be forever torn apart.

You appeared in my life so suddenly,

and our love grew so fast

I’m thankful every day I wake next to you

that we gave this a chance - instead of just letting the feelings pass.

Our love continues to grow stronger

and you amaze me more and more everyday!

I look forward to so many memories shared with you

for this love will never fade away.



You are my perfect

My Dream

My Prince Charming

The perfect uncle....my everything....

My heart says forever....and my mind fights a constant

Wednesday, January 10, 2007
what they took away....
Current mood: cold
I froze on the sidewalk this morning
I heard the sirens first - then the ambulance went by.
I fought and fought
but the images flooded my mind and I started to cry.
I remembered how much I missed you
and the time I spent sitting by that ditch in the rain.
I wanted it to wash my thoughts of you away
the thoughts of you enduring so much pain.
I don't know why it still hurts so much
I feel like one last hug is all I'd ever need.
It's not fair that a single hug will never be
in all the while - those two assholes are walking free.
I remember the teasing - but you were always the protector
You were always by our side - always going to be around.
They took that away - and no one knows why
I remember the moment I heard it was your body they had found.
I feel your spirit - but will that ever be enough?
Why does innocence ever end this way?
I want to play in the ocean, feel the sun
I want you there with me for one more day!
Instead, I've sat in the courtrooms - watching them smile
pittying themselves - they had no remorse.
I had to sit through the questions as they watched my tears
They tore into my life and threw it off course.
I wonder if they ever suffer from the nightmares like me
I wonder if there was ever a moment of regret.
I wonder if they continuosly see your smile turn to pain
and realize they stole it in one unjustified bet.
Do they realize they stole away our guardian?
They took away our best friend.
Neither of us have ever been the same
it seems our hearts may never mend.
You were the allie between us
You made us get along - you completed the three musketeers.
You stood up for us against my father
and tried to get me past my fears.
Rarely can I go a day without thoughts of you
I keep thinking it will get easier with time...
The pain never lessens, neither do the nightmares
How could anyone commit such a crime?
When I used to run away - you'd always find me
I remember you bribing me with an animal from your toy basket.
Do you remember how I would always hide under the hydrangea?
That's why I wanted them placed on your casket.
I wish I could run away with you now -
I wish I could hide from the thoughts in my mind.
I dream of sandcastles, stuffed animals, and our afternoon teas
but when I wake up, emptiness is all I find.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006
my flesh and blood...
Current mood: drained
Category: Blogging
I dont know what I did to make things this way

I cant even pinpoint when things went wrong.

For a short time it felt like you loved me

Now it feels like you cannot wait till Im gone.

You stood up and protected me when I was young

You kept me safe from his anger, safe from the pain.

As we grew older we finally grew to become friends

You were the one I looked to to help keep me sane.

I look at our family or what we have left

Everyones ready to stab the other in the back

They all fight for money, attention, and to be the best.

We always sat aside we never needed to be like that.

Now youve become one of them what do you want?

You know I HATE clichs I dont want to fit in!

They sit there on their pedestals judging me

And you play along though Im your only next of kin!

You have filled me with pain and tear filled nights

I sit, filled with curiosity, wondering who you wished I would be.

I remember when you were strong, different, independent

And when I looked in a mirror you are who I wanted to see!

I fight to be who I want to be but try to make you proud

Reaching your standards are starting to look impossible.

I dont know if I have the strength to keep up the act

I feel like I am trying to please the highest Constable.

I know they fill your head with hate they set the standards.

Can you see past that and see they really have nothing!

For years we had no family other than each other

Now Im nothing to youand my pain and hate continues piling