Many know what a rough time I've had turning 30....much of it was fed from what a crazy, emotional year I've had. About 6 months ago, maybe longer, I started to panic about everything I haven't accomplished, everything I'm not, and not seeing what I have become in my 30 years of life. I've had a crazy realization in the past week that I've seen this all wrong. I should be celebrating the fact that I've made it though what I have. I can put the past behind, and I can still be whatever I want! Even a kid when the time is right!
This last year has been a horrible test of my heart. It all started the morning I got the call that Brian was gone. I remember every detail of that day up until the point that I collapsed. I remember fighting to breath, trying to get it to sink it, trying to get the tears to stop, battling to not hurt someone to let them hurt the way I did. I felt totally alone. I had broken up with Travis that very morning, and even if things would have been okay - he doesn't understand grief. Because of everything with Brian, I allowed him to pretend that nothing every happened, that we were happy, and that we hadn't broken up. I was so heart broken I had no strength to fight and walk away. I wasn't allowed to mourn because I was always expected to be happy. There was so much pressure and all I wanted was time to accept that one of my most amazing friends was gone forever. That part of my heart is never going to heal...
I went from losing Brian to trying to believe in a relationship which really was nothing at all. I had my head messed with and way drug along with lies to keep me, though he really had no serious intentions. It was my fault for being blind and too weak to leave.I finally realized that I deserved better. I deserved to be loved for the person I was, the person I wanted to be, and for once - I needed to find someone who believed in my dreams instead of me having to believe and follow theirs. I wasn't right for him. I see how obvious that is now, and that us not getting married was a blessing in desguise, even through all the pain. As the relationship was coming to a close though, I was tested once again with the loss of my cousin. I had believed that she'd pull through, and it felt like overnight my whole life changed. She was fighting and recovering, then the call came through that we needed to prepare to say goodbye. She left us with such a beautiful day. I remember the phone call, Andrew's voice...or lack there of, the feel of the sunshine on my skin as I got out of the car to approach the house. How Andy didn't want to let go when I got to him....how her husband broke down the minute his head hit my shoulder. I sat there for what seemed like hours, holding Shelly and her husbands hand. I remember the color of her skin, the beautiful color of her baby pink nails....how she looked porcelin, and I tried to convince myself that it wasn't really her. I didn't want to go home and feel the fake hugs and fake support of an ex who would never understand...She wasn't going to give up. She wasn't supposed to die. I hate that I believed that she was always going to be there instead of treating life like it could end at any moment! She was the closest thing that so many of us will ever know to perfection. She truly loved as though she'd never been hurt...
I have been blessed with a chance to grow closer to my two best friends - Michael and Brad. I cannot believe how lucky I am to have found these 2. Michael and I truly have been through some major trials, a lot of personal growth, and quite a few laughs. He shows me strength, and pushes me to be proud of the woman I am. He's made me believe in love, and that it is possible to communicate without backlash. He teaches me so much more than I think he realizes. I am so truly proud of the man that he is. To know the personal battles he is faced with daily due to cruel/close minded people, as well as people who are just not educated. He has so much love even though he's endured so much pain.
I didn't realize what Brad meant to me until the morning I lost my cousin. He's the first person I told, then I felt horrible for doing it because he was on vacation in Hawaii with his family. I couldn't wait till he got home. I had a lot of pressure to keep myself together, until I saw Brad. I knew with him I was safe to just break down and cry. I didn't want to answer questions, I didn't want to talk, I just wanted someone there, and Brad knew the importance of that. He can always make me laugh when he knows I'm having a bad day, he plays along in my crazy whirlwind of a life, and he's always there to listen and share some silly stories. I never would have thought our kareoke nights would turn into such an unreplaceable friendship. I love to see the world and all of it's beauty through his eyes. He can see beauty in anything, which is such a rare gift.
tbc...I'm tired. :)
Friday, October 8, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Courage
You introduced all of us to true courage
As you battled mind over body for every last breath.
The loss of you feels unbearable
I didn’t think this disease would win with your death.
I’ll miss your hugs, I’ll miss your smile
Accepting your gone is too much to swallow.
The tears start to come as I think of you
My heart starts to hurt and I feel so hollow.
You had a heart like no one else,
You never hesitated to take us all in.
You were the most wonderful blessing in our lives
As a mother, a sister, a niece, a cousin, and a friend.
You never judged any of us for being different
And supported us through our personal struggles.
Even with our funny colored hair, or when we drank too much
Or when we found ways to get ourselves in trouble.
You stood up for us when no one else would believe in us
And looked for the goodness in every soul.
You pushed us to try a little harder and go for a dream
And you made our family a whole.
We’re all lost here without you…
We find ourselves feeling nothing but despair.
It’s as though we’re all wandering in a surreal world
And looking for some form or words of repair.
I try to remember all the happy times
And overcome my last moments with you.
The selfishness surrounds me, even though your pain is gone,
There was so much more left for you to do.
I wish that I could hug you again,
I try to tell myself you’ve just run away.
You’re enjoying the sunny beach in Newport
And we’ll get another day in Disneyland to play.
I want these tears to lessen
I pray that all this pain will soon start to fade.
This is all too much to accept so soon
And I regret all the memories that were left unmade.
It feels as though our lives have been flipped upside down
And it’s difficult to recover when you know it will never be the same
We’re stranded with the question of why you?
And no matter how much we search, there’s no one to blame.
We pretend that your arms are around us
As we sit here day dreaming all alone.
In your garden we seem to be able to find peace
Knowing this place was truly your home.
As you battled mind over body for every last breath.
The loss of you feels unbearable
I didn’t think this disease would win with your death.
I’ll miss your hugs, I’ll miss your smile
Accepting your gone is too much to swallow.
The tears start to come as I think of you
My heart starts to hurt and I feel so hollow.
You had a heart like no one else,
You never hesitated to take us all in.
You were the most wonderful blessing in our lives
As a mother, a sister, a niece, a cousin, and a friend.
You never judged any of us for being different
And supported us through our personal struggles.
Even with our funny colored hair, or when we drank too much
Or when we found ways to get ourselves in trouble.
You stood up for us when no one else would believe in us
And looked for the goodness in every soul.
You pushed us to try a little harder and go for a dream
And you made our family a whole.
We’re all lost here without you…
We find ourselves feeling nothing but despair.
It’s as though we’re all wandering in a surreal world
And looking for some form or words of repair.
I try to remember all the happy times
And overcome my last moments with you.
The selfishness surrounds me, even though your pain is gone,
There was so much more left for you to do.
I wish that I could hug you again,
I try to tell myself you’ve just run away.
You’re enjoying the sunny beach in Newport
And we’ll get another day in Disneyland to play.
I want these tears to lessen
I pray that all this pain will soon start to fade.
This is all too much to accept so soon
And I regret all the memories that were left unmade.
It feels as though our lives have been flipped upside down
And it’s difficult to recover when you know it will never be the same
We’re stranded with the question of why you?
And no matter how much we search, there’s no one to blame.
We pretend that your arms are around us
As we sit here day dreaming all alone.
In your garden we seem to be able to find peace
Knowing this place was truly your home.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
The void....
There is an emptiness that cannot be filled of a love that was lost far too early. I can't even imagine how any of us can begin to heal. You had a smile that could light up any day, and the biggest heart I've ever known. I hope you know you were more of a sister to us than a cousin, and we love you SOOOOOOOO much! You were overlooked by your family and I know it hurt, but you were loved so much by your children and your husband. You were the most wonderful mother I've ever known. John's children were always treated as your own and I'm so thankful that they've always thought of you as their mother, and Andrew has grown into such a wonderful man. We've all been robbed, and so many lives have been torn apart and I KNOW you weren't ready to go. You're life had fallen into place and there were so many good things going on for you. It was the wrong person who ended up with disease....I can't get the images out of my head of your porcelin face laying there this morning....and John's heartbreak....You won't be able to watch Aidan grow up....you'll never see your grandkids....you were going to be the most AMAZING grandmother....
Thank you for always being there. Thank you for always loving me for me. Thank you for the strength you put forth when your family tried to tear ours apart, and for having the courage to stand up and choose us. We got the best end of that deal and I will always be thankful of that. Someday, your sisters might realize what they lost, but it's too late. I will be thankful everyday for the love you shared with me. Why does this happen? I want to yell and scream at someone, and there's no one to blame....I miss you so much....I miss your smile, I miss your hugs. This all happened so quick and I'm thankful you didn't have to endure the pain and wait of most due to this horribly evil disease....but it kills me to know you were so determined to LIVE! You never gave up, and I will try to keep that courage in my heart and mind at all times. You were a fighter and were refusing to be broken.
I will try my hardest to be a better cousin to Andy. I can only hope I can be there for him half as much as you were with us. I wish I would have been there for him sooner but I really didn't think we were going to lose you! I thought you'd get through this.
I hope you find peace, and the love that you deserved to feel everyday that you were here on earth. I'm sure grandma and Joey were excited to welcome you. I don't understand why you had to go on your own birthday though....I guess there's a lot I'm never going to understand....and it's always going to hurt. It hurts so much.....
Thursday, June 17, 2010
stuck on repeat
It amazes me how life sneaks up and repeats itself...and how I never seem to learn. I spent my life waiting to be good enough. Trying to live up to whatever everyone else wanted, to try to make my father love me, to try to be remembered in some way or another. Trying to keep myself from being abandoned time and time again. You would think that after 14 years of dealing with someone disapearing when you least expect it, then reappearing at your front door months later, almost like they'd returned from the dead - you would be stronger and be able to turn your back and walk away.
Yesterday I was more or less told I had wasted away someone's time. They "wasted" too much time playing along with me and now as a result had to catch up real life... Then today I'm informed that I'm unwanted and better off being gone as quickly as possible...though I don't even know where to go. I'm being shunned from my family for things they only assume but have no real clue about. My heart is broken and I feel totally lost and alone. I don't know what to do with myself and I can only wish that'd I'd never come home. I want to turn to the one who was always there to coach me through lifes struggles and I have the painful reminder that he's no longer there. Reality has set in. I want to be lost in a crowd - alone, but not. Its so much easier to hide the pain when there's others to focus your attention on. I do not have a place here. Its really difficult to not know where you belong, what is right, is there really a such thing as love?
I feel the cold and loneliness settle in
A harsh reminder that he's gone.
I should be able to walk away without a catch
I've been dealing with this far too long.
Everyone has their expectations
I can never just be enough.
My heart is becoming paper thin
and it continues to be treated too rough.
He was right when he said that when I fall in love
I will give them my heart and soul
But what he doesn't know
is that this heart has been burned black as coal.
I want to get out of this place
escape the ghosts that are surrounding me.
I want to be able to run and never look back
and allow my spirit to be set free.
He says I don't understand him
but in turn he hasn't a clue as to what I've seen.
The images surface when I least expect it
and make nightmares from a dream.
I almost died within my own fathers hands
and been told it should have been me who had died.
I was expected to deal with it all alone
and would be beaten if I cried.
I knew I would never be good enough
and I'm still reminded to this day.
I don't know why I continue to try
when my energy is just wasted away.
I want to go where there are no memories
and make happiness of my own.
I want to escape how much I miss them
and turn my broken heart to stone.
I can pretend they're still both here safe
and waiting for the day I decide to return.
They'll hug me and pour me a beer
and listen to all that I have managed to learn.
They'll tell me of their families
of the happiness, love, and goals...
I'll be able to forget the pain
and once again see the smiles that someone stole.
Yesterday I was more or less told I had wasted away someone's time. They "wasted" too much time playing along with me and now as a result had to catch up real life... Then today I'm informed that I'm unwanted and better off being gone as quickly as possible...though I don't even know where to go. I'm being shunned from my family for things they only assume but have no real clue about. My heart is broken and I feel totally lost and alone. I don't know what to do with myself and I can only wish that'd I'd never come home. I want to turn to the one who was always there to coach me through lifes struggles and I have the painful reminder that he's no longer there. Reality has set in. I want to be lost in a crowd - alone, but not. Its so much easier to hide the pain when there's others to focus your attention on. I do not have a place here. Its really difficult to not know where you belong, what is right, is there really a such thing as love?
I feel the cold and loneliness settle in
A harsh reminder that he's gone.
I should be able to walk away without a catch
I've been dealing with this far too long.
Everyone has their expectations
I can never just be enough.
My heart is becoming paper thin
and it continues to be treated too rough.
He was right when he said that when I fall in love
I will give them my heart and soul
But what he doesn't know
is that this heart has been burned black as coal.
I want to get out of this place
escape the ghosts that are surrounding me.
I want to be able to run and never look back
and allow my spirit to be set free.
He says I don't understand him
but in turn he hasn't a clue as to what I've seen.
The images surface when I least expect it
and make nightmares from a dream.
I almost died within my own fathers hands
and been told it should have been me who had died.
I was expected to deal with it all alone
and would be beaten if I cried.
I knew I would never be good enough
and I'm still reminded to this day.
I don't know why I continue to try
when my energy is just wasted away.
I want to go where there are no memories
and make happiness of my own.
I want to escape how much I miss them
and turn my broken heart to stone.
I can pretend they're still both here safe
and waiting for the day I decide to return.
They'll hug me and pour me a beer
and listen to all that I have managed to learn.
They'll tell me of their families
of the happiness, love, and goals...
I'll be able to forget the pain
and once again see the smiles that someone stole.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
watching as the ocean fades in my rearview mirror....
As I lay here listening to the waves
its as though they've become one with my heart
I feel the sun wrap around me
and hold me together as I'm falling apart.
I'm not attempting to run away
only to escape the thought of you.
To free my head of all the hopes and possibilities
and I thought what was there was true.
I don't know how you've managed to grip me so
I don't understand why I can't walk away...
with so little emotion to hold onto
I feel like I have a better understanding of the bay.
Everything felt so perfect
with so many smiles to show how we felt
I couldn't wait for the next moment I spent next to you
or your kisses that make me melt.
Its all ended so quickly
and now I can't help but wonder if it was all fake
How can you say you honestly want something
As you continue to push it away until it breaks?
The ledge is getting closer
my heart cannot take anymore.
The happiness, the butterflies, the racing heart and wasted love
its all about to be lost to this ocean floor.
I'll return to the emptiness
I'll go back to the search of finding my home
I'll continue to pretend I'm okay as I focus on everyone around me
even though all I want is to be alone.
I believe I'm destined to be heart broken
I've begun to know this pain all too well.
Everythings temporary, it all fades away
Just like the winds powering a sail
its as though they've become one with my heart
I feel the sun wrap around me
and hold me together as I'm falling apart.
I'm not attempting to run away
only to escape the thought of you.
To free my head of all the hopes and possibilities
and I thought what was there was true.
I don't know how you've managed to grip me so
I don't understand why I can't walk away...
with so little emotion to hold onto
I feel like I have a better understanding of the bay.
Everything felt so perfect
with so many smiles to show how we felt
I couldn't wait for the next moment I spent next to you
or your kisses that make me melt.
Its all ended so quickly
and now I can't help but wonder if it was all fake
How can you say you honestly want something
As you continue to push it away until it breaks?
The ledge is getting closer
my heart cannot take anymore.
The happiness, the butterflies, the racing heart and wasted love
its all about to be lost to this ocean floor.
I'll return to the emptiness
I'll go back to the search of finding my home
I'll continue to pretend I'm okay as I focus on everyone around me
even though all I want is to be alone.
I believe I'm destined to be heart broken
I've begun to know this pain all too well.
Everythings temporary, it all fades away
Just like the winds powering a sail
Thursday, June 10, 2010
The Pain That I'm Used To
I'm tired of the battle in my mind....being pulled in every direction and unable to decide or even get a feel of what is right. I don't know why he pushes me to the point of walking away - then pulls me back again. Is he just fucking with my head?
I've spent my whole life waiting for everyone else. Waiting for them to accept me, waiting for them to remember me, waiting for them to come back to me....and waiting for them to love me. I am reaching the point where I'm realizing that my father was just trying to get me accustomed to the fact that I would never be enough. Year after year he'd leave me waiting...wondering if he was ever coming home, if he was dead...if he ever loved me. Months later, there on the doorstep he would be. I was expected to forgive, forget, and make him feel loved, and I did. I've become numb to my own needs and focus on making everyone else happy, making sure everyone around me feels loved, but now I want to know when it will be my turn? Is there even such a thing? Does love really exist or am I surrounded in a fake world with everyone pretending that they have everything they want? No...I know that's not true, atleast not with Michael. I want to experience a kind of love with someone like my nephews. Unconditional, untouchable, and childish. No rules, just to be happy. To have fun, to live life together.
I am realizing just how short life is, and that if someone means anything to me at all I need to say it. I will never get that chance again with my cousin, or with Brian. I don't need to hear it from him...and I understand him not being able to use the L word, but the way I could feel it from him was the most amazing thing ever. I didn't question it. Who has ever been able to feel something so strong in just a hug? And now...its all faded away. Temporary as everything else in this world. I must convince myself to walk away, but I can't. What will happen to my heart when I see him smiling with someone else? I don't think I could take it...once again knowing I wasn't good enough. I don't believe I'll ever be good enough. I will spend my life making others feel good, and in turn, I should be thankful I can make them smile. I waited for Rick just to find out that he wanted someone else....I played along with Matt's head games, the back and forth of only wanting me when he thought he was going to lose me to someone else, then Travis who kept tandling the carrot then informed me that he can't marry me, then ran right back to his ex. All liars...all feeding into my weakness so they'd have someone there until someone better came along. My heart hurts, but I try to stay determined to not be broken. I fight to keep the razor from my skin but at times the thoughts and pain become too wearing. I know things could always be worse but who DOESN'T want love? Why do I have to be the hopeless romantic? And why can't I just balance things out without shutting down completely? I don't want to feel anymore.
I think a change of scenery might be good for me. Somewhere close for me to run away to the beach. I can leave the nightmares and the heartache behind and start fresh. I hear the ocean calling my name and I miss it. The feel of the summer breeze and the sunshine reflecting off the water. The peace you feel when you sink your bare feet into the warm sand. I want to escape and pour my heart out to the ocean. I don't want to wait anymore....
I've spent my whole life waiting for everyone else. Waiting for them to accept me, waiting for them to remember me, waiting for them to come back to me....and waiting for them to love me. I am reaching the point where I'm realizing that my father was just trying to get me accustomed to the fact that I would never be enough. Year after year he'd leave me waiting...wondering if he was ever coming home, if he was dead...if he ever loved me. Months later, there on the doorstep he would be. I was expected to forgive, forget, and make him feel loved, and I did. I've become numb to my own needs and focus on making everyone else happy, making sure everyone around me feels loved, but now I want to know when it will be my turn? Is there even such a thing? Does love really exist or am I surrounded in a fake world with everyone pretending that they have everything they want? No...I know that's not true, atleast not with Michael. I want to experience a kind of love with someone like my nephews. Unconditional, untouchable, and childish. No rules, just to be happy. To have fun, to live life together.
I am realizing just how short life is, and that if someone means anything to me at all I need to say it. I will never get that chance again with my cousin, or with Brian. I don't need to hear it from him...and I understand him not being able to use the L word, but the way I could feel it from him was the most amazing thing ever. I didn't question it. Who has ever been able to feel something so strong in just a hug? And now...its all faded away. Temporary as everything else in this world. I must convince myself to walk away, but I can't. What will happen to my heart when I see him smiling with someone else? I don't think I could take it...once again knowing I wasn't good enough. I don't believe I'll ever be good enough. I will spend my life making others feel good, and in turn, I should be thankful I can make them smile. I waited for Rick just to find out that he wanted someone else....I played along with Matt's head games, the back and forth of only wanting me when he thought he was going to lose me to someone else, then Travis who kept tandling the carrot then informed me that he can't marry me, then ran right back to his ex. All liars...all feeding into my weakness so they'd have someone there until someone better came along. My heart hurts, but I try to stay determined to not be broken. I fight to keep the razor from my skin but at times the thoughts and pain become too wearing. I know things could always be worse but who DOESN'T want love? Why do I have to be the hopeless romantic? And why can't I just balance things out without shutting down completely? I don't want to feel anymore.
I think a change of scenery might be good for me. Somewhere close for me to run away to the beach. I can leave the nightmares and the heartache behind and start fresh. I hear the ocean calling my name and I miss it. The feel of the summer breeze and the sunshine reflecting off the water. The peace you feel when you sink your bare feet into the warm sand. I want to escape and pour my heart out to the ocean. I don't want to wait anymore....
Monday, June 7, 2010
The hardest goodbye....
I can't believe it's been 9 months already...9 months away from Doyles, 9 months without your hug, 9 months without your smile....I miss you so much. I don't know if this pain will ever subside. Somedays I wish I never knew you so that I wouldn't hurt so much. Going into Doyle's makes my heart feel like it could shut down. My mind goes into overload and I can't stop the thoughts that when I turn my head you could be standing there at the bar. I try to just imagine that you're safe and still in San Diego. I wish I would have realized before it was too late, just how much you meant to me. I can only hope that you knew. Thank you for all the nights that I thought you were just trying to torture me, or see how far my annoyance levels could go. You made me a stronger person. In a very strange round about way, you made me believe in myself a little more. I have felt so lost lately without you there. I don't know who to talk to...who to go to...I don't know how to accept that you're gone........
Thursday, October 01, 2009
The hardest good bye....
Current mood: blessed
I didn’t quite understand the feel of heartbreak
I didn’t know it was possible to feel so alone
We take so many people in our day to day lives for granted
And now you’re never coming home.
When I try to speak – all words seem to escape me
But I’m flooded with memories and your smile
You were such a colorfully perfect person
Who could get along with anyone – no matter their style.
You taught me so much about living
When I thought there was no reason to try
You showed me it was okay to be a little crazy
And always found a smile within me when I wanted to cry.
You helped me to overcome my insecurities
And harassed me until I would stand proud
You challenged my courage to dance on the bar
Then you kindly put me in “time out” the one time I got too loud J
I hope you know how many lives you touched
I hope you know how many bad days you improved
With your wacky rants, lyrics, or political/religious views
We always enjoyed them, no matter how lewd.
You truly were one of a kind
You could make magic from everything you touched
From a musical instrument, to a shot glass, to our hearts
Our love for you will never be crushed.
I’m going to miss your silly antics, your air guitar, your shouts, the “Hail Satans,”
your fists in the air, the random moonings, and even your mer-pug tattoo
I could write a list a mile long….
But all it will prove is there is no one in this world to replace you.
-theres so many things I wish I could say...so many great memories. I look at back at pictures, think of great nights, or horrible nights that turned good and there's a horrible pain in my heart and a feeling I can't quite explain. I realized that there was a place I went to for safety and good feelings, and at that place was you - the man adopted by everyone as their brother. You always knew what to say - I will never forget your random compliment that made me feel like I was on top of the world (or atleast the bar) while being surrounded by an otherwise not so fun group of exes. The way you so excitedely showed me that your balls could hang out of your Dicken's rental (I'm STILL disgusted that you would wear a RENTAL without underwear), and the awesome shot you gave me shortly afterwards that was topped off with beer - WTH? The crazy random political debates we would get into on slow nights. How you would just randomly scream "GO SATAN." How you put me in time out on a half wall for breaking a glass - that I was actually throwing at Russ :) How you convinced me that I would feel better about "boy problems" by dancing on the bar. How you would ALWAYS tell Johnny X that it was ME who bought him the shot...so I would always end up with Jager that I can't drink. How you refused as a child to stop wearing your cape....I promised to make you a cape to wear on your Vespa...But what I will miss the most is your hugs. They fixed everything...and not just my back - since you always popped it for me - but on a good day, or a bad - those hugs just made everything feel great. Brian I will never forget you and you will ALWAYS be in my heart. I love you so much, you and your family. Your all a very special and very limited kind. I hope you're rocking your heart out somewhere beyond.
Old rambles from previous blogs....
Saturday, August 16, 2008
continue running with scissors, or just run scared?
Current mood: confused
So many questions, and I feel like I cannot control anything going on in my mind. All I can see is negative right now - is that really all there is? Or am I just scared and looking for the fall.
The snide smart ass comments that put me in my place, or more or less - put me down. I feel like never talking. The things I say are not said right, or just not worth even being spoken - yet his jabber box can go on and on. Everything he has to say is top priority, yet he'll interupt in the middle of something I'm telling him because it's "not important, or of no interest to him"
The little times that just keep adding up that he just doesn't think about me. It's as though I slip his mind the moment I'm out of sight. Yet, as soon as we're back together it's "what did you get for me?" but he can't even think to leave the fucking garage door open for me when it's dark, I don't have the garage door opener, and he knows I'm RIGHT behind him.
How important it is for him to continue to talk to other girsl....mostly the ones he used to date, and lie and hide it. I can't even see (heave forbid MENTION) a great friend who is finally back from Iraq, yet he's talking to ex flings all the time.
All the flirting, and I don't even know where it stops, it kind of goes along to my worries of the exes. He can't pass a girl anymore without his head turning. How can you claim to be committed to someone with everything, yet that attention can be caught by someone in the blink of an eye? I don't get it.
I can't decide if I should stick this out, or just walk away while I can't lose anything. I've lost so much, been drug to rock bottom, I don't want to deal with it all anymore. I don't want to be made the fool because I'm dumb enough to believe yet another man's lies, and allow my heart to be torn apart. There's so much happiness, and times when I just feel surrounded by love, but then something better walks by, and there goes his attention. How do you past that? I swore I would not let another man control my life and cause me pain....
Thursday, August 14, 2008
I guess I don’t get it.....
I don't know what to think...I don't know if it's just me - because there's something wrong with my head....I can't recover, can't get past...the past. How do you recover from being cheated on - right in front of your face? How do you ever trust again? How do you fight through 4, almost 5 years, the purchase of a house, many trips, two engagement rings along with two wedding dates...then have his girlfriend thrown in your face? I feel like my heart cannot get past it. Not because I want him EVER AGAIN, but it's ruined me, broke me, I can't grow past it.
Now I have something great, someone amazing. A best friend, a love, his kisses are everything, and his arms take everything away...but then there's the lies....the secrets. I can't take it, I can't get past it. Would he cheat? I don't know...would he ever do anything that would hurt me? I don't know. The doubt tears me apart and makes me want to run. I will not be played like a fool again. The fear of being hurt bring upon anger - and the anger makes me just want to say "Fuck it all - and FUCK YOU!" I don't need this. I'm better than this - I need no one....
How do you get over it? Get past the fear, the anger, the pain. I think my friends may have it right - don't bother letting anyone close - everything is temporary, but I can't help but want something permament. Is there such a thing? Is there really such a thing as forever? I don't know if I can believe in that....My heart feels like it's being pulled in so many directions, and my mind just keeps telling me to GET OUT! This isn't right....you're just setting yourself up....you're not enough. Always in the back of my head - I hear I'm not enough. When will that end? Is my self doubt causing me to go so crazy that I'm ruining everything? Where does it start - how does it end?? I hate all the guessing! Is he talking to her all the time - or as rarely as he says? How can he NOT realize it's a problem when she always has to ask "so, do you still have a girlfriend?" Why is it okay to hide things?
And as for the "I'll do what I want!" I've heard those words before....at 4:30 in the morning when my ex fiance came home shit faced drunk - after driving my car - and banging what it now his girlfriend.... Those words will not sit well with me, and once said - it's fair game. I'm not even supposed to drink, I haven't been going out, I've done nothing but put all my energy and focus into this relationship....and I'm not even told the truth - the worst part of a lie...is knowing you're not good enough for the truth.....
My mind is in a whirlwind....and I want it all to stop....
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
How long can this last?
Current mood: nervous
Category: Life
I spent so much time praying to angels
as I wated away in a bed of tears.
I forgot happiness, grew deatheningly weak
as I let myself be overcome by fear.
I was standing at the cliffside-ready to jump
as I heard a voice and felt a welcoming hand.
As you pulled me into your arms
all the pain washed away like sand.
You say all the things I wished to hear
and share a love I had been begging for.
You’ve managed to catch my heart
break it open - and let the emotions pour.
I’m filled with excitement to wake another day
knowing I’m waking next to you.
I try to understand why this is all happening
you just seem too good to be true.
Have I possibly been dreaming of an untouchable fairy tale?
I just can’t believe this is real.
You are my perfect
and the love in my heart is not something anyone can steal.
I didn’t know my giggle still existed
and I forgot what a real smile could be.
I feel absolutely beautiful
as you set my inner child free.
The prid ein your eyes
convinces me that even in jeans a beanie - I am the one.
For the first time I feel unstoppable-
even when we’re just out being silly, and trying to have fun.
I have forgotten how it feels to cry
and the pain of a lonely heart.
I feel resotred and alive
I thought this heart would be forever torn apart.
You appeared in my life so suddenly,
and our love grew so fast
I’m thankful every day I wake next to you
that we gave this a chance - instead of just letting the feelings pass.
Our love continues to grow stronger
and you amaze me more and more everyday!
I look forward to so many memories shared with you
for this love will never fade away.
You are my perfect
My Dream
My Prince Charming
The perfect uncle....my everything....
My heart says forever....and my mind fights a constant
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
what they took away....
Current mood: cold
I froze on the sidewalk this morning
I heard the sirens first - then the ambulance went by.
I fought and fought
but the images flooded my mind and I started to cry.
I remembered how much I missed you
and the time I spent sitting by that ditch in the rain.
I wanted it to wash my thoughts of you away
the thoughts of you enduring so much pain.
I don't know why it still hurts so much
I feel like one last hug is all I'd ever need.
It's not fair that a single hug will never be
in all the while - those two assholes are walking free.
I remember the teasing - but you were always the protector
You were always by our side - always going to be around.
They took that away - and no one knows why
I remember the moment I heard it was your body they had found.
I feel your spirit - but will that ever be enough?
Why does innocence ever end this way?
I want to play in the ocean, feel the sun
I want you there with me for one more day!
Instead, I've sat in the courtrooms - watching them smile
pittying themselves - they had no remorse.
I had to sit through the questions as they watched my tears
They tore into my life and threw it off course.
I wonder if they ever suffer from the nightmares like me
I wonder if there was ever a moment of regret.
I wonder if they continuosly see your smile turn to pain
and realize they stole it in one unjustified bet.
Do they realize they stole away our guardian?
They took away our best friend.
Neither of us have ever been the same
it seems our hearts may never mend.
You were the allie between us
You made us get along - you completed the three musketeers.
You stood up for us against my father
and tried to get me past my fears.
Rarely can I go a day without thoughts of you
I keep thinking it will get easier with time...
The pain never lessens, neither do the nightmares
How could anyone commit such a crime?
When I used to run away - you'd always find me
I remember you bribing me with an animal from your toy basket.
Do you remember how I would always hide under the hydrangea?
That's why I wanted them placed on your casket.
I wish I could run away with you now -
I wish I could hide from the thoughts in my mind.
I dream of sandcastles, stuffed animals, and our afternoon teas
but when I wake up, emptiness is all I find.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
my flesh and blood...
Current mood: drained
Category: Blogging
I dont know what I did to make things this way
I cant even pinpoint when things went wrong.
For a short time it felt like you loved me
Now it feels like you cannot wait till Im gone.
You stood up and protected me when I was young
You kept me safe from his anger, safe from the pain.
As we grew older we finally grew to become friends
You were the one I looked to to help keep me sane.
I look at our family or what we have left
Everyones ready to stab the other in the back
They all fight for money, attention, and to be the best.
We always sat aside we never needed to be like that.
Now youve become one of them what do you want?
You know I HATE clichs I dont want to fit in!
They sit there on their pedestals judging me
And you play along though Im your only next of kin!
You have filled me with pain and tear filled nights
I sit, filled with curiosity, wondering who you wished I would be.
I remember when you were strong, different, independent
And when I looked in a mirror you are who I wanted to see!
I fight to be who I want to be but try to make you proud
Reaching your standards are starting to look impossible.
I dont know if I have the strength to keep up the act
I feel like I am trying to please the highest Constable.
I know they fill your head with hate they set the standards.
Can you see past that and see they really have nothing!
For years we had no family other than each other
Now Im nothing to youand my pain and hate continues piling
continue running with scissors, or just run scared?
Current mood: confused
So many questions, and I feel like I cannot control anything going on in my mind. All I can see is negative right now - is that really all there is? Or am I just scared and looking for the fall.
The snide smart ass comments that put me in my place, or more or less - put me down. I feel like never talking. The things I say are not said right, or just not worth even being spoken - yet his jabber box can go on and on. Everything he has to say is top priority, yet he'll interupt in the middle of something I'm telling him because it's "not important, or of no interest to him"
The little times that just keep adding up that he just doesn't think about me. It's as though I slip his mind the moment I'm out of sight. Yet, as soon as we're back together it's "what did you get for me?" but he can't even think to leave the fucking garage door open for me when it's dark, I don't have the garage door opener, and he knows I'm RIGHT behind him.
How important it is for him to continue to talk to other girsl....mostly the ones he used to date, and lie and hide it. I can't even see (heave forbid MENTION) a great friend who is finally back from Iraq, yet he's talking to ex flings all the time.
All the flirting, and I don't even know where it stops, it kind of goes along to my worries of the exes. He can't pass a girl anymore without his head turning. How can you claim to be committed to someone with everything, yet that attention can be caught by someone in the blink of an eye? I don't get it.
I can't decide if I should stick this out, or just walk away while I can't lose anything. I've lost so much, been drug to rock bottom, I don't want to deal with it all anymore. I don't want to be made the fool because I'm dumb enough to believe yet another man's lies, and allow my heart to be torn apart. There's so much happiness, and times when I just feel surrounded by love, but then something better walks by, and there goes his attention. How do you past that? I swore I would not let another man control my life and cause me pain....
Thursday, August 14, 2008
I guess I don’t get it.....
I don't know what to think...I don't know if it's just me - because there's something wrong with my head....I can't recover, can't get past...the past. How do you recover from being cheated on - right in front of your face? How do you ever trust again? How do you fight through 4, almost 5 years, the purchase of a house, many trips, two engagement rings along with two wedding dates...then have his girlfriend thrown in your face? I feel like my heart cannot get past it. Not because I want him EVER AGAIN, but it's ruined me, broke me, I can't grow past it.
Now I have something great, someone amazing. A best friend, a love, his kisses are everything, and his arms take everything away...but then there's the lies....the secrets. I can't take it, I can't get past it. Would he cheat? I don't know...would he ever do anything that would hurt me? I don't know. The doubt tears me apart and makes me want to run. I will not be played like a fool again. The fear of being hurt bring upon anger - and the anger makes me just want to say "Fuck it all - and FUCK YOU!" I don't need this. I'm better than this - I need no one....
How do you get over it? Get past the fear, the anger, the pain. I think my friends may have it right - don't bother letting anyone close - everything is temporary, but I can't help but want something permament. Is there such a thing? Is there really such a thing as forever? I don't know if I can believe in that....My heart feels like it's being pulled in so many directions, and my mind just keeps telling me to GET OUT! This isn't right....you're just setting yourself up....you're not enough. Always in the back of my head - I hear I'm not enough. When will that end? Is my self doubt causing me to go so crazy that I'm ruining everything? Where does it start - how does it end?? I hate all the guessing! Is he talking to her all the time - or as rarely as he says? How can he NOT realize it's a problem when she always has to ask "so, do you still have a girlfriend?" Why is it okay to hide things?
And as for the "I'll do what I want!" I've heard those words before....at 4:30 in the morning when my ex fiance came home shit faced drunk - after driving my car - and banging what it now his girlfriend.... Those words will not sit well with me, and once said - it's fair game. I'm not even supposed to drink, I haven't been going out, I've done nothing but put all my energy and focus into this relationship....and I'm not even told the truth - the worst part of a lie...is knowing you're not good enough for the truth.....
My mind is in a whirlwind....and I want it all to stop....
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
How long can this last?
Current mood: nervous
Category: Life
I spent so much time praying to angels
as I wated away in a bed of tears.
I forgot happiness, grew deatheningly weak
as I let myself be overcome by fear.
I was standing at the cliffside-ready to jump
as I heard a voice and felt a welcoming hand.
As you pulled me into your arms
all the pain washed away like sand.
You say all the things I wished to hear
and share a love I had been begging for.
You’ve managed to catch my heart
break it open - and let the emotions pour.
I’m filled with excitement to wake another day
knowing I’m waking next to you.
I try to understand why this is all happening
you just seem too good to be true.
Have I possibly been dreaming of an untouchable fairy tale?
I just can’t believe this is real.
You are my perfect
and the love in my heart is not something anyone can steal.
I didn’t know my giggle still existed
and I forgot what a real smile could be.
I feel absolutely beautiful
as you set my inner child free.
The prid ein your eyes
convinces me that even in jeans a beanie - I am the one.
For the first time I feel unstoppable-
even when we’re just out being silly, and trying to have fun.
I have forgotten how it feels to cry
and the pain of a lonely heart.
I feel resotred and alive
I thought this heart would be forever torn apart.
You appeared in my life so suddenly,
and our love grew so fast
I’m thankful every day I wake next to you
that we gave this a chance - instead of just letting the feelings pass.
Our love continues to grow stronger
and you amaze me more and more everyday!
I look forward to so many memories shared with you
for this love will never fade away.
You are my perfect
My Dream
My Prince Charming
The perfect uncle....my everything....
My heart says forever....and my mind fights a constant
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
what they took away....
Current mood: cold
I froze on the sidewalk this morning
I heard the sirens first - then the ambulance went by.
I fought and fought
but the images flooded my mind and I started to cry.
I remembered how much I missed you
and the time I spent sitting by that ditch in the rain.
I wanted it to wash my thoughts of you away
the thoughts of you enduring so much pain.
I don't know why it still hurts so much
I feel like one last hug is all I'd ever need.
It's not fair that a single hug will never be
in all the while - those two assholes are walking free.
I remember the teasing - but you were always the protector
You were always by our side - always going to be around.
They took that away - and no one knows why
I remember the moment I heard it was your body they had found.
I feel your spirit - but will that ever be enough?
Why does innocence ever end this way?
I want to play in the ocean, feel the sun
I want you there with me for one more day!
Instead, I've sat in the courtrooms - watching them smile
pittying themselves - they had no remorse.
I had to sit through the questions as they watched my tears
They tore into my life and threw it off course.
I wonder if they ever suffer from the nightmares like me
I wonder if there was ever a moment of regret.
I wonder if they continuosly see your smile turn to pain
and realize they stole it in one unjustified bet.
Do they realize they stole away our guardian?
They took away our best friend.
Neither of us have ever been the same
it seems our hearts may never mend.
You were the allie between us
You made us get along - you completed the three musketeers.
You stood up for us against my father
and tried to get me past my fears.
Rarely can I go a day without thoughts of you
I keep thinking it will get easier with time...
The pain never lessens, neither do the nightmares
How could anyone commit such a crime?
When I used to run away - you'd always find me
I remember you bribing me with an animal from your toy basket.
Do you remember how I would always hide under the hydrangea?
That's why I wanted them placed on your casket.
I wish I could run away with you now -
I wish I could hide from the thoughts in my mind.
I dream of sandcastles, stuffed animals, and our afternoon teas
but when I wake up, emptiness is all I find.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
my flesh and blood...
Current mood: drained
Category: Blogging
I dont know what I did to make things this way
I cant even pinpoint when things went wrong.
For a short time it felt like you loved me
Now it feels like you cannot wait till Im gone.
You stood up and protected me when I was young
You kept me safe from his anger, safe from the pain.
As we grew older we finally grew to become friends
You were the one I looked to to help keep me sane.
I look at our family or what we have left
Everyones ready to stab the other in the back
They all fight for money, attention, and to be the best.
We always sat aside we never needed to be like that.
Now youve become one of them what do you want?
You know I HATE clichs I dont want to fit in!
They sit there on their pedestals judging me
And you play along though Im your only next of kin!
You have filled me with pain and tear filled nights
I sit, filled with curiosity, wondering who you wished I would be.
I remember when you were strong, different, independent
And when I looked in a mirror you are who I wanted to see!
I fight to be who I want to be but try to make you proud
Reaching your standards are starting to look impossible.
I dont know if I have the strength to keep up the act
I feel like I am trying to please the highest Constable.
I know they fill your head with hate they set the standards.
Can you see past that and see they really have nothing!
For years we had no family other than each other
Now Im nothing to youand my pain and hate continues piling
Thursday, June 3, 2010
tearing apart a mended heart
I find my mind unable to escape a constant state of wander. I can't seem to sort my feelings, or make sense of my life at this moment. I know what I want - yes....I never would have thought it would be him. It started out as such innocent flirting, then I become enthralled in the person that I thought he was...the man I'm hoping he truly is when his barrier is dropped down. The way through the barrier is what I cannot understand. How could things change so drastically, and so quickly? He says he's just distancing himself, but in my eyes it's like a complete shut down. I feel once again like I'm a body filling a void. I want to believe it's more than that, but my mind and my heart are filled with fear. Reminders of the mind games, the months I was strung along believing I was loved, the way I was called upon only when a physical imtimacy was craved....I cannot go through that again. I understand not opening up completely, I understand protecting yourself, but what I don't understand is the way things are right now and how they could possibly change with time. How do you go backwards so quickly? I feel like we've had perfection to the ackward breakup phase in less than a months time. I can't figure out why I feel completely brokenhearted. I feel broken and like my heart is being torn apart. I can't get rid of the sickness in my stomach. How could I screw something up so badly in such a short time? And the thoughts and possiblities he's put in my head - WHY??? HOW??? I HAVE NEVER contemplated a child with anyone before. I walked away from a 4 year relationship over that debate. Why would I suddenly rethink my personal choices? And could it be everything I want it to be? I don't want a child to secure a marriage...I want an amazing marriage that we want to share with a child...and I don't even know deep down if he's actually capable of allowing that strength of love into his life. I try to walk away. I tell myself I can pack it all up and escape everything that I want to put behind me and escape on the sands of California....away from the memories of Brian, and the fear of running into the men who killed my cousin. Away from the heartbreaks of my past, the friends who will never be there for me as much as they expect me there for them....free of my father and his hurtful words, but then I see his smile and I feel myself melt. The feeling of being in his arms is unlike anything I've ever felt. The moment he pulled me aside to kiss me I felt like I was in heaven - it was the kiss I've always wanted from our typical "girly"" films, it made my knees buckle and my heart feel like it was going to explode.
...I know I've brought some of this on with the fear of communication. I don't want to feel the way I feel, and for some unexplainable reason, I can't control it. I went from being able to shit myself down and putting all feelings aside to letting him melt into my heart. I know people talk about love at first site, and knowing all in a kiss...but how can that truly exist? He's the furthest thing from being the kind of guy for me. We couldn't be more opposite, but I'm learning that there's so much that he could only understand that has taken place in my life. I feel a safety with him. If he could just let me through that door...I think he'd realize it goes both ways. ugh...my brain is just a rollercoaster of thoughts...
TBC on a different lunch hour....
...I know I've brought some of this on with the fear of communication. I don't want to feel the way I feel, and for some unexplainable reason, I can't control it. I went from being able to shit myself down and putting all feelings aside to letting him melt into my heart. I know people talk about love at first site, and knowing all in a kiss...but how can that truly exist? He's the furthest thing from being the kind of guy for me. We couldn't be more opposite, but I'm learning that there's so much that he could only understand that has taken place in my life. I feel a safety with him. If he could just let me through that door...I think he'd realize it goes both ways. ugh...my brain is just a rollercoaster of thoughts...
TBC on a different lunch hour....
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