I find my mind unable to escape a constant state of wander. I can't seem to sort my feelings, or make sense of my life at this moment. I know what I want - yes....I never would have thought it would be him. It started out as such innocent flirting, then I become enthralled in the person that I thought he was...the man I'm hoping he truly is when his barrier is dropped down. The way through the barrier is what I cannot understand. How could things change so drastically, and so quickly? He says he's just distancing himself, but in my eyes it's like a complete shut down. I feel once again like I'm a body filling a void. I want to believe it's more than that, but my mind and my heart are filled with fear. Reminders of the mind games, the months I was strung along believing I was loved, the way I was called upon only when a physical imtimacy was craved....I cannot go through that again. I understand not opening up completely, I understand protecting yourself, but what I don't understand is the way things are right now and how they could possibly change with time. How do you go backwards so quickly? I feel like we've had perfection to the ackward breakup phase in less than a months time. I can't figure out why I feel completely brokenhearted. I feel broken and like my heart is being torn apart. I can't get rid of the sickness in my stomach. How could I screw something up so badly in such a short time? And the thoughts and possiblities he's put in my head - WHY??? HOW??? I HAVE NEVER contemplated a child with anyone before. I walked away from a 4 year relationship over that debate. Why would I suddenly rethink my personal choices? And could it be everything I want it to be? I don't want a child to secure a marriage...I want an amazing marriage that we want to share with a child...and I don't even know deep down if he's actually capable of allowing that strength of love into his life. I try to walk away. I tell myself I can pack it all up and escape everything that I want to put behind me and escape on the sands of California....away from the memories of Brian, and the fear of running into the men who killed my cousin. Away from the heartbreaks of my past, the friends who will never be there for me as much as they expect me there for them....free of my father and his hurtful words, but then I see his smile and I feel myself melt. The feeling of being in his arms is unlike anything I've ever felt. The moment he pulled me aside to kiss me I felt like I was in heaven - it was the kiss I've always wanted from our typical "girly"" films, it made my knees buckle and my heart feel like it was going to explode.
...I know I've brought some of this on with the fear of communication. I don't want to feel the way I feel, and for some unexplainable reason, I can't control it. I went from being able to shit myself down and putting all feelings aside to letting him melt into my heart. I know people talk about love at first site, and knowing all in a kiss...but how can that truly exist? He's the furthest thing from being the kind of guy for me. We couldn't be more opposite, but I'm learning that there's so much that he could only understand that has taken place in my life. I feel a safety with him. If he could just let me through that door...I think he'd realize it goes both ways. ugh...my brain is just a rollercoaster of thoughts...
TBC on a different lunch hour....
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